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Bell Hooks On Abuse and Healing said, ‘Growing up in abusive environments inflicts deep wounds on our spirits, leaving us with a profound understanding of the destructive power of violence and the urgent need for healing and love.”

Sitting across from my grandfather in his black leather chair, leaned back, he would tell stories from his childhood. Surrounding him were pictures of himself leaning against chairs, riding midnight black horses, and medals from his champion horse training days hung on the wall. Cowboy movies played all day on the TV, featuring Tonto and The Lone Ranger.

He would recount stories of being severely beaten by his father. Once, he fell into a pool of water and was beaten until it ran dry. All the stories my grandfather shared were traumatizing, brutal, and violent. He never mentioned being kissed, held, or loved. Towards the end of his life, it seemed as though all the pain spilled from his mouth through his stories.

I witnessed my grandfather sitting on his couch until he became too much of a burden to be cared for. The last time I saw him was at my father’s funeral, where his Alzheimer’s battled between memories of my father and the “RIP 1977-2019” written beside him.

A few years later, my grandfather passed away. I now reflect on his life, wondering if he ever experienced or allowed himself to experience what Erich Fromm considered love:

Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one ‘object’ of love. Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person.

Not far away was the wife of 64 years who cooked, cleaned, cared, and sat beside him as the long ranger battled the Indians. She loved him, and he loved her. When I met them, they were already 60 years old and had been married for 40 years. I had never seen them kiss except on the day they renewed their vows—a day that remains infamous in my memory because I was chosen to be a ring bearer but did not want to dress up as a bear.

‘Marriage is war,'” my grandfather told my dad’s fiancée, lifting his shirt to reveal the scars from fights and drunken battles between him and my grandmother. My grandfather was raised in an environment of abuse and domination, and I knew it had influenced the way he loved his wife, which ultimately caused those scars to form. Bell Hooks says this about growing up in abusive environments:

Growing up in abusive environments inflicts deep wounds on our spirits, leaving us with a profound understanding of the destructive power of violence and the urgent need for healing and love.

In recognizing the lasting impact of growing up in abusive environments, we come face to face with the stark reality that our own experiences of abuse can reverberate through our families for generations. The scars inflicted upon us are not only personal but also deeply interconnected with the well-being of our loved ones. It is crucial, therefore, that we acknowledge the importance of healing and loving for the sake of our families. By actively engaging in the process of healing, we can break the cycle of abuse, creating a foundation of compassion and understanding upon which our families can thrive. It is through the transformative power of love and healing that we can safeguard the well-being of future generations, ensuring that they are liberated from the burden of intergenerational trauma. Let us embrace this responsibility, embarking on a journey of healing and love, for it is in the restoration of our own spirits that we pave the way for a brighter and more nurturing future for our families.

While healing ourselves individually is important, we must also recognize the collective healing needed within our families. Healing our families requires a commitment to open communication, empathy, and a willingness to confront the painful realities of our past. It demands that we challenge the patterns of abuse and oppression that have been perpetuated through generations. We must actively engage in dismantling the systems that contribute to familial pain, and replace them with love, compassion, and understanding.

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