This is a story of Longing for Love and Acceptance. My sister sat in her golden 2005 Nissan Altima, taking a phone call outside. Standing next to the car, I observed her adjusting the tone of her voice as she spoke to her girlfriend. Curiosity arose as to why she had been outside for so long, and she replied, “I just wanted to be able to speak.” However, I sensed her actual concern lay with the person she was talking to—a Christian family with a gay daughter. Whenever conversations about sexuality arose, she would be “trying to figure herself out.” And so the conversation continued, eventually leading to my book being brought up. She questioned its purpose, delved into topics of sexual abuse, love, and parental criticism. I shared with her that the book sparked a conversation with my stepfather, during which he, for the first time, said, “I love you.” Surprised, she exclaimed,
“My dad said, ‘I love you’?”
“Yes.”
“You’re telling me my dad said, ‘I love you’?”
“Yes.”
“Wow, I’ve never heard that. I love that man and I’ve always wanted to hear him say it.”
“I love him too, and I smiled when he said it.”
One of the roots of our troubles lies in children feeling unloved—a nearly parental miscommunication leading to an uncomfortable silence, with the child longing for the parent’s embrace. They wait to be touched, comforted, held, or simply to know that reaching out and being touched is possible.
As our conversation drew to a close, a desire to embrace my sister surged within me. However, fear held me back, and I extended the conversation until it could no longer be prolonged. Instead of a hug, I uttered, “I love you.” She paused momentarily, struck by surprise, and replied, “I love you” in return, adding, “I don’t know why that’s so hard to say.” I responded, “We just spent an hour talking about trauma.” I walked over to my car, bid my final goodbye, and drove home.
This essay explores a poignant conversation between me and my sister, highlighting the challenges of communication and the longing for love and acceptance within a family. The dialogue touches on topics of sexuality, parental affection, and the impact of the my book. It culminates in a vulnerable moment where I express love to my sister, and she reciprocates, revealing the difficulty in expressing affection within their relationship.
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