Rising from my sleep on a snowy day late in October, the ice causing discoloration on the windows as they swell, cracking the paint on the edge where the wood meets — still not use to the weather changes that happens once you leave home; having grown up in Texas snow is followed by sirens to signal the apocalypse — forced me to tighten the cover around my frame as my eyes open; annoyed by the sight of the sun because it signified another chance. A chance I was not confident in taking, and since I wasn’t courageous enough to take my life; I had to use what I had. I settled with the plight of a — some what — noble suffering wanderer, like a character in Dante’s inferno: desiring love, respect, acknowledgment, and a prayer for my pass into heaven. Reaching for the world to reflect those principles, at the sight of my flesh, would be my means of salvation. As I reflect, reaching for the worlds acknowledgment; could possibly be the most disastrous thing a human can do. Existing in a circle of turmoil — I felt Jesus Christ and myself lived similar lives — I considered myself the ultimate sufferer with complete morality, but had no belief in myself suffering for a greater purpose. Assuming a direct descendance from Ham brought on my troubles; I believed I was the only one who suffered this deeply for no apparent reason. Naturally I am someone who assumes to much responsibility, or assumed a responsibility that was actually not mine, but because this pain was otherworldly; there was no point in fighting this battle. Because of my inability to dive into my pain; I would never be able to gain wisdom. Being unable to learn ones value — which come from facing the discomfort and challenging every assumption; that has created you — creates a barrier between the sufferer and his salvation. Only if we redefine value; can we begin to shift the consciousness of the world and learn to define that ambiguous term, “to love oneself”.

The standards of a insolent culture, this standard shapes values, will not do anything for someone attempting to develop a relationship between himself and the world. The terms of this value will require him to become a white myth, and by that I mean perpetuate a falsehood, and turn himself into a product of that morality destroying veil. They told is God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” I now have the power to rebuke the isolating philosophy from my consciousness and replace “rule” with “live in harmony”. To prevent the continuation of this destruction will require a complete shift of the sense of self. Which can only come from an aerial and terrestrial attack on our beliefs and daily lives. This transition from heaven to hell — what we can call a purgatory period — will develop from a revaluation of the things we consider important. This purgatory is an chance to prepare our spirits for completely entering into the peace of contentment and transformative powers of disruption: the explosion of conflicting identities, the integration of the new you, living truthfully with this responsibility; means forgiving everyone in your past, present, and future sufferings. Regardless of the pain or the depth of the hurt; forgiving the perpetrator will lead to salvation. And salvation is not safety, but a loving empathy for the living and dead. Then learning to follow that compassion with a greater respect for the path you’ve trailed. That is my definition of self love; being able to see everyone in you and yourself in others. Salvation is through the revaluation of values that have shaped us — and continue to create us — but this can not happen without a complete internal, external, spiritual, and material cleansing of the lack of connection. I, the world, need children to grow into adults with a thirst for love. The world depends on restructuring our lives from the ground up. I pray for every child that has left the earth too soon; because I know the type of life that can make a man start looking for trouble. And for a child, especially a black one, the search comes quicker than expected and the consequences even bloodier.

The beauty and tragedy of growing up is the moment you gain a sense of your identity; you have the opportunity to examine it. That identity is shaped from outside eyes with influences, so deep in your skin; you believe this identity was of your own construction. This uncarved identity fuels your confusion, envy— because we get our estimate of healthy from the world — and feelings of superiority. We lead unchosen lives, so we attempt to walk charted paths; attempting to reinforce our decisions by condemning others for not attempting to squeeze in a tight dress of outside opinions. No man can live long enough or accomplish enough to get his estimate of himself from the eyes of the world. Every black child is a reflection of me, and my life depends on the child recognizing me as his brother, uncle, cousin and friend. No colored child can get their definition of themselves from a world that did not include him in the creation of the definition. I have grown up with kids that become headlines on Channel 5; I know the faces on the Television — my mind goes to events from when we were in 7th grade sharing gum, passing notes, and sitting in the car together; I get the strong desire to go back into those moments and tell them I love them because part of me believes it’ll do something for their present situation — getting called monsters, criminals, and people bent on a path of destruction; the news anchor says, maybe never knowing someone like my friend, anyone that got in there way was going to die. Because I watched them grow up; I get extremely sad. As I said before, I watched us joke and play as children and I watched him respond to the sting of his trauma, as children often do, especially young boys, carelessly and violently. I watched the beginning of his sexual remarks that led to his, premature, sexual journey and treat his body just as careless. The people that condemn my brother do not know or wish to understand the pain, isolation, and silence that created him; which eventually led him to killing. I know that pain because the same monsters came after me, but he was not so lucky. While I do believe justice should be served, blacks are often served swiftly and severely; without a certain compassion we allow, or do not prevent a child from becoming a product of his trauma, pain, and anger. There was nothing innately evil or vile about my brother, and without brave compassion for everyone around us; we will only create similar narratives.

Hyper-productivity is killing a generation, and creating deep divisiveness between brothers learning compassion for someone’s circumstance. Everyone is justifying the sufferers circumstances in life — using laziness or terrible manifestation skills as an excuse for everyone’s lack of wall street success — without attempting to empathize for their personal story. People are working to the bone with the hope of becoming Jay-Z, Mark Zuckerberg, and all those smiling faces on the red carpet. People are trying to prevent the shock of knowing: they can become homeless, they can lose all their money, they can get addicted to drugs, and they really can die. The myth of the self made man is plaguing a generation so deeply that we can’t relax without starting a business or going for another degree. Spiritualist believe Covid was a spiritual attack; a infectious agent representing our global need to take a moment and reevaluate our priorities. Selfishly many began to deny the validity of the disease and their, along with government officials, pastors who’s relatives are truly in communion with Christ now, denial lead to deaths all around the globe. When the pandemic was coming to an end I heard people, “I don’t feel like I used the pandemic,” and if the spiritualist were right; then this was a time of rest. This pressure of productivity adds an unnecessary time clock on our lives; copping out of living in the moment through putting our happiness and peace in the future with the acquisition of whatever material. The only answer I see to this hyper-acquisition is a healthy relationship with meditation and the present.

The present represents putting all your eggs of happiness into one basket, and the anxious psyche of the country is begging for a revaluation of the importance of each other. We will be unable to see one another, and without this sight; compassion will remain a threat to our feelings of superiority. Wealth and degrees are not more important than community, and with more importance put on these; we miss out on friendships that can change our being. We do not have compassion for the suffer, but dribble before Hercules; praying to be bestowed the wisdom from his battle. We do not love: the poor man, the faggot, the black, the fat woman, the trans, or the criminal. We do not embrace their pain because we would be forced to examine our own and see how deep we are avoiding taking the time to discover the truth behind all our simple-minded pursuits. Our redemption into humanity is through compassion; if we can learn spontaneity first then empathy will follow, when difference is no longer seen as a threat to our safety. Valuing safety over love will continue to destroy the relationships between brothers preventing us from living our lives through our purpose.

Your purpose, what I had to discover very early, is completely individual. No one can tell us the best route to walk; every piece of advice is merely a suggestion that worked for that particular person. Because the sanity of the world is held together by people aiming for righteousness; our journey to compassion, empathy, and love must be walked with a sense of purpose. Many paths are delayed asking for reassurance to begin a journey. The walk is the discovery of your value — this is not attempting to become perfect; this is a common misconception with the “healing” journey; that the world will become simple like the garden of Eden before the fatal bite —and accepting several truths to face the day; some days you won’t feel like trusting your voice, you won’t feel important, questioning the sanity of the journey, or the memory of the pain will be so deep, all you can do is fall asleep. The path of value is stripping your entire life of assumptions; that you had no hand in crafting. We must place every ounce of focus into the present and this is the only faith in moving the world forward.

Most of us are in a constant pursuit of acquisition and safety; which is completely destroying our relationship to our brothers and sisters. We judge each other from standards that have not worked for the people that created the system of thought. We are learning to value ourselves, so we can gain compassion for ourselves then take that around the world. If not, we will continue to reach for one another through barbed wire and bulwarks that are shifted just enough to maintain our delusions. What we produce is a product of our consciousness; the way we treat one another is a reflection of everything happening internally. Destroying these delusions and taking the long journey of learning to value: compassion, righteousness, and transcending all boundaries.